Strengths and Possible Red Flags - Part 2

Well, Francesca and Paul have met their first challenge. This is shaking and reshaping the dreamy–like quality of their relationship up until now and catapults them into a very different situation. This first challenge - Paul’s loss of his job – and how our couple handled it provides us with an opportunity to see their different ways of coping.

When something happens that shakes her sense of security, Francesca tends to panic. She worries and has difficulties focusing on much else. What helps her manage her anxiety is talking about what is happening with someone who is “safe” to her. She can insistent, even pushy in her demands, as she was with Paul.

Paul, on the other hand, tends to withdraw and use avoidance. He sees Francesca as emotionally fragile, and uses this as a reason for not sharing. She will just get upset, she will worry, he tells himself, thus justifying his silence. He seems to be using alcohol as another means of avoiding the issues and the feelings, at least temporarily.

The more Francesca pushes, the more Paul withdraws. The more he does, the more she pushes, in a dysfunctional cycle in which they can stay stuck indefinitely. In this case, Paul’s new job stopped the cycle at this point, even though it did not resolve the underlying issues. But this temporary reprieve does not stop these dynamics from reoccurring in the future.

So, how are these two different styles affecting their relationship?

One of the main contributions that close emotional relationships provide for each of us is affect regulation. This is the ability to calm each other down by providing comfort, reassurance, support, emotional presence, and understanding. When we are with someone who love us and is there for us, difficult and scary things don’t look so difficult and scary any more. We feel we can cope with them, because our emotions are kept in check by someone else’s calm presence and don’t overwhelm us.

When Francesca heard Paul had lost his job, she was scared. Her anxiety level got very high. She was looking for comfort, reassurance, support. As she said, Paul had previously been her rock. She was looking for him to take this role again with her. She needed him to talk to her in order to reassure her that he was ok, and everything would be ok for her as well. Because he did not respond, Francesca felt all alone in trying to cope with her emotions.

Talking to Francesca, on the other hand, was not what Paul felt he needed. He wanted to shut everything down, to distract himself, to avoid what was creating problems. He may have felt shame for losing his job, maybe was afraid of disappointing Francesca. He had mentioned in a previous log that buying a house had been challenging for him. Now we learn that he already knew back then that his job was going to end soon. This was the time, before their wedding, when Paul felt ignored by Francesca because she was so totally absorbed in the upcoming wedding. Perhaps he felt abandoned by her then as she felt abandoned by him now? Was this why he did not talk to her about what was going on with his job? Are there other things he kept from Francesca? Keeping secrets is seldom healthy and sets the stage for continuing down this road. In fact, Paul is keeping another secret: that his job is temporary, not permanent. It is a slippery slope, and a potentially dangerous one.

In one of the first blogs, Francesca had bragged about the equality and the openness of their relationship: the shared everything; they were equal. And yet here Paul is acting as a parent toward Francesca, whom he sees as a child who needs to be shielded and protected. At the same time, Francesca sees her role as changing as well: she too sees herself as becoming the parent in the relationship, worrying about money matters and having to be strong to support Paul at this juncture. Let’s not forget Francesca’s father’s opinion of Paul as being not responsible. Even though consciously Francesca is adamant to prove her dad wrong, his opinion can be a nagging thought that can insinuate itself in Francesca’s unconscious views of Paul. She is angry at him for not being the rock he once was, whereas Paul is angry at Francesca for being insistent and pushing him to talk when he does not want to.

This situation, if not corrected, could change some of the dynamics in Francesca and Paul’s relationship, and create more challenges for them in the future.