Week Twenty Three - A Day in The Life -  Squall Line

Last week storm about letting go of the house seems to have triggered a series of storms, one after the other. Paul announced his job is temporary and he could lose it at any moment. He said it in a calm voice, as though this wasn’t a big deal. He looked tired, like he hadn’t been able to sleep much lately. Neither have I. I hear him toss and turn throughout the night. I lay next to him without making a sound, but I am totally awake, thinking about what is happening to us and how to deal with the problems in front of us.

Paul is not going to back down from his decision to stop making mortgage payments. He tells me he thought it through and this is the best thing we can do, under the circumstances. Period. End of the discussion.

What bothers me is that he never asked for my opinion. We never discussed this as a couple. He just decided on his own and announced his decision to me, take it or leave it. I don’t have any choice, do I? I cannot make the payments all by myself, and I would be concerned about going against his decision anyway, but I am also furious that I don’t seem to count for much in this marriage. What happened to our balance and fairness? I thought we were equal and listened to one another when we needed to make major decisions.

The house is very quiet these days. We hardly speak to one another, unless absolutely necessary. In fact, I avoid him if I can because I don’t know how to act around him. He also seems to be quite happy to be away from me. He has been out of town for work for the past few days, and I am sure this separation suited both of us. I guess he assumed I would agree with his plan and not make too much fuss about it. But I am furious about the way he went about reaching this decision. He feels like a traitor to me, who plotted behind my back about something as sacred as the fate of our home.

Besides, we just spent seven thousand dollars we did not have for an air conditioning unit which we will no longer need once we move out of the house. Does that make sense? Is he going to stop repaying my parents for the money they loaned us, since we won’t have the house? Is that how he treats commitments? How can he be so unemotional when he makes decisions that affect our lives so deeply? Is he going to walk out of this marriage too, without looking back?

I need to talk to somebody about this, because it is such a heavy burden to carry, but I don’t know who I can trust. I don’t want to talk to Melissa because she thinks we are still in the honeymoon stage of our marriage and I don’t want her to see what’s happening to us. I can’t talk to my mother because I am afraid she will tell dad. And now, with the loan situation, even she cannot be totally neutral about this decision.

My house is what grounds me. I thought Paul and I would raise our children and get old together in this house. I can’t bear the thought of walking away from my dreams and start again in an apartment.

And what about his job being temporary? With so many things happening at the same time I almost forgot about it. It’s all too much to deal with. I wished I still had my friend Paul to talk to… I wished I had Paolo…